Monday, August 12, 2013

Friends S07E05: The One With The Engagement Picture

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The One With The Engagement Picture
Teleplay by: Patty Lin
Story by: Earl Davis
Transcribed by:
Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are going through a bunch of pictures as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: What’s the matter?
Chandler: Someone on the subway licked my neck! Licked my neck!!
Phoebe: Oh Willie’s still alive!
Chandler: What are you guys doing?
Monica: Oh, my mom called, they’re gonna run our engagement announcement in the local paper, so we’re looking for a good picture of us.
Chandler: Oooh, I’m afraid that does not exist.
Monica: That’s not true, there are great pictures of us!
Chandler: No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy who’s going like this… (Makes what can only be described as a toothy frown. Henceforth, this shall be known as The Face.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! That’s the creep that you’re with at the Statue of Liberty.
Chandler: I don’t know what it is, I just can’t take a good picture.
Monica: (looking at one) Oh, here’s a great one.
Chandler: Yeah, I’m not in that.
Monica: I know, but look at me all tan.
Phoebe: Hey, why don’t you guys go, get portraits done by a professional photographer.
Monica: That’s a good idea! I bet they have one of those wind machines! Y’know… (Does the whole hair blowing in the wind model type poses.)
Phoebe: Yeah that’s great! Next to that, Chandler won’t look so stupid.
Monica: Chandler what do you say?
Chandler: All right, but I should warn you, I’m not going. I’m going. (Does The Face while saying that last part.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is siting on the couch as Ross and Chandler enter after playing basketball.]
Ross: (To Chandler) Dude, that reverse lay-up! Oh…
Chandler: How about those three pointers?
Ross: Amazing!
Chandler: And those guys were this (Doing the standard "This Close" gesture) close to lettin’ us play this time too.
(They both get dejected and go sit down.)
Rachel: Hey look-look, Phoebe’s talking to uh, Cute Coffeehouse Guy.
Ross: Oh, you guys call him Cute Coffeehouse Guy, we call him Hums While He Pees.
Chandler: Yes, and we call Ross Lingers In The Bathroom.
Phoebe: (returning) Hey you guys, Hums While He Pees just asked me out!
Rachel: Hey, I thought that guy was married.
Phoebe: He is! But he’s getting divorced—Ross! Maybe you know him.
Ross: It’s not a club.
Rachel: Phoebe, if this guy’s going through a divorce, is it such a good idea to start going out with him?
Ross: Hey, divorced men are not bad men!
Chandler: They have that on the napkins at the club.
Rachel: Oh, I gotta get back to work.
Phoebe: You don’t have to be back for a half-hour!
Rachel: Yeah but, my assistant Tag does sit-ups in the office during lunch. Ohh! I could just spread him on a cracker.
Chandler: Rach, if you have a crush on this guy, why would you hire him? I mean y’know you can’t date him right?
Rachel: Oh no, I know that. I know that. Although, we made a joke that we spend so much time together he should call me his work wife.
Ross: Soon he’ll be able to call you, that lady he knew who got fired.
Rachel: I am not gonna get fired, because I’m not gonna act on it.
Phoebe: So you wouldn’t mind if he was dating someone else?
Rachel: Why? Is he? He is! Isn’t he? He’s dating that slut in marketing!
Ross: Maybe I should open a divorced men’s club.
Chandler: Dude that is so sad.
Ross: I could put uh-uh a basketball court in the back.
Chandler: Could I play?
[Scene: Rachel’s Outer Office, she’s returning from lunch to see Tag not doing his sit-ups.]
Rachel: Oh, no sit-ups today Tag?
Tag: I just did them.
Rachel: Oh, well drop and give me ten more!
Tag: What?
Rachel: Uh, I-I had a drink with lunch. Did those cost reports come in?
Tag: Yeah, I filled them out last night?
Rachel: Oh, great could you make me four copies of those?
(He gets up to make the copies leaving Rachel alone with his stuff. She notices his sweater in his backpack and holds it up to her nose as Melissa, a coworker, walks up.)
Melissa: Hey Rachel!
Rachel: (startled) Ahh, hi! Hi! Melissa, what’s up? I’m just uh, about to umm, go out to the store to get some stuff to put in my backpack. Y’know, like dried fruit and granola and stuff. What’s up? (She has put on the backpack.)
Melissa: Umm, is Tag here?
Rachel: No. Why?
Melissa: Oh, I was gonna talk to him about doing something tonight.
Rachel: Really?! Got a little crush on Tag there do ya?
Melissa: Well, we’ve been flirting back and forth, but I was hoping that tonight it would turn into something a little more than that.
Rachel: Okay, whoa-whoa easy there Melissa! This ain’t a locker room, okay? But, y’know I remember him saying that-that he had plans tonight.
Melissa: Oh no!
Rachel: Oh yeah. All right, back to work.
Melissa: Hey! Isn’t that Tag’s backpack.
Rachel: Yeah Melissa, I don’t want to be known as the uh, office bitch, but I will call your supervisor.
(Melissa beats a hasty retreat.)
[Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are trying to take their engagement picture. Monica has a beautiful smile, while Chandler isn’t.]
The Photographer: (taking pictures) Great! That’s great Monica! Great! Now, Chandler, you want to give us a smile?
Chandler: Okay. (Does The Face.)
The Photographer: I’m sorry, is the seat uncomfortable?
Chandler: No, I am.
Monica: Chandler, listen to me sweetie, I know you can do this. Okay? You have a beautiful smile.
Chandler: I do? (He smiles, beautifully.)
Monica: Yeah! (They turn to the camera, and Chandler does The Face again.) All right, maybe you don’t have to smile. Let’s try something else. Let’s try umm, try looking sexy.
Chandler: Okay. (You’ll have to see it, I can’t describe the face he makes, but it isn’t good.)
Monica: Or not.
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Joey is knocking on the door holding a hand over a spot on his shirt.]
Rachel: Hi Joey! What are you doing here?
Joey: Uhh, well I’ve got an audition down the street and I spilled sauce all over the front of my shirt. (Removes his hand to reveal a huge sauce stain.) You got an extra one?
Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm…here. (Hands him one.)
Joey: Great. (He doesn’t like it.) You got anything that’s not Ralph Lauren?
Rachel: Yeah, I don’t think so Joe.
Joey: All right, I guess this will be fine.
Rachel: Hey, listen umm, what-what are you doing tonight?
Joey: Nothing, why?
Rachel: How would you feel about taking out my assistant Tag? I’ll pay.
Joey: Huh, Rach I got to say it’s gonna take a lot of money for me to go out on a date with a dude.
Rachel: I’m not asking you to go on a date with him!
Joey: Really? ‘Cause I could kinda use the money.
Rachel: Joey, just-just he-he’s new in town and I know he doesn’t have any guy friends. Just take him to like a ball game or something. I’ll really appreciate it.
Joey: Yeah, okay.
Rachel: Yeah?
Joey: Sure, no problem. (Sees something.) Ooh—Hey, donuts!
Rachel: Yeah!
Joey: Okay. (He grabs a jelly donut, takes a bite, and guess what he spills all over himself. He tries to clean it up and smears it all over the shirt.)
[Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are still trying to get the picture taken.]
Monica: I know. Let’s try a look…of far off…wonderment. Okay, we’ll-we’ll gaze into our future and we’ll think about our marriage and the days to come. (Chandler is still not getting it.) Chandler! What is the matter with your face?! I mean this picture is supposed to say "Geller and Bing to be married," not "Local woman saves drowning moron!" (The photographer laughs.) Hey! Don’t laugh at him! He’s my drowning moron!
Chandler: Aww! (Smiles.)
Monica: That’s it! Take it! Take it! Take it!
(Chandler turns to the camera and does The Face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are going over the picture proofs.]
Ross: I like this one. (Points to it.) It seems to say, "I love you and that’s why I have to kill you."
Monica: They can’t all be bad. (To Chandler) Find the one where you make your bedroom eyes. Ohh, there it is.
Chandler: Oh my God! Those are my bedroom eyes?! Why did you ever sleep with me?
Monica: Do you really want to pull at that thread?
(Phoebe enters with Hums While He Pees also known as Kyle.)
Phoebe: I’m having a really good time!
Hums While He Pees: Me too! I’m sorry that guy in the subway licked your neck.
Phoebe: Ohh. No that’s okay, he’s a friend.
Hums While He Pees: Hey uh, I don’t mean to be presumptuous but I have these two tickets to the ballroom dancing finals tomorrow night if you want to go?
Phoebe: Yeah, I… Well y’know I-I mean I missed the-the semi-finals, so I’d just be lost.
Hums While He Pees: I know it’s really lame, but I got these tickets from my boss and—Oh no! No! No! My God!
Phoebe: Okay, don’t freak out. I’ll go.
Hums While He Pees: No it’s… Uh, my ex-wife Whitney is out there. I cannot deal with her right now. That woman is crazy!
Phoebe: Okay, I know. Hold on. (She walks over to the couch.) Hey Ross?
Ross: Yeah?
Phoebe: Yeah, umm that’s Whitney (Points), Kyle’s ex-wife out there, now do you think that you can y’know divert her so that we can slip out?
Ross: What?! No!
Phoebe: Well okay but I have two tickets to the ballroom dance finals. (She holds up the tickets that Kyle gave her.)
Ross: Look, I don’t think so Pheebs. (Pause) All right, I’ll do it. But just because you’re a friend. (Grabs the tickets and heads to divert Whitney.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is dancing around his living room as Phoebe enters, catching and startling him.]
Phoebe: Hi Ginger.
Ross: All right! I want my key back!
Phoebe: I don’t have it!
Ross: It’s right there! (Points to her hand.)
Phoebe: Ugh, okay Sherlock! (Hands over the key.)
Ross: Look, I’m sorry but you-you-you better go Pheebs.
Phoebe: All right, well I just wanted to say thank you though for diverting Kyle’s ex.
Ross: Oh yeah—No—You’re welcome. We’ll talk about it later.
Phoebe: Okay.
(Ross opens the door to reveal Whitney standing there.)
Ross: Hi Whitney.
Whitney: Hi Ross! You ready for breakfast?
Ross: Yep. (Phoebe slams the door shut.) Okay.
Phoebe: (To Ross) Kyle’s ex-wife? You were supposed to divert her not date her!
Ross: (opens the door and to Whitney) Hi! I’m sorry, but can you give me a second while I talk to this woman, who by the way did not spend the night.
Whitney: Sure.
Ross: Okay. (Closes the door.) (To Phoebe) I did divert her and we ended up having a great time! Okay?
Phoebe: Watching ballroom dancing?
Ross: Yes! That’s where we realized we were both super cool people!
Phoebe: Well look-look, okay Ross, Kyle just told me some really bad stuff about her.
Ross: Like what?
Phoebe: Like she’s really mean, and she’s over critical, and-and—No! She will paint a room a really bright color without even checking with you!
Ross: Okay.
Phoebe: And! She uses sex as a weapon!
Ross: Fine! Thank you for warning me. At breakfast I’ll be on full alert for room painting and sex weapons.
Phoebe: You’re still gonna go out with her?!
Ross: Yeah!
Phoebe: Well, didn’t you just hear what I said?!
Ross: Pheebs come on! I mean, consider the source! Of course her ex-husband’s gonna say that stuff. Now, if you’ll excuse me…
Phoebe: (interrupting him) No listen to me! She is crazy!
Whitney: (outside the door) Uh, your door isn’t sound proof.
Phoebe: You see? Nothing is good enough for her!
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Tag is arriving as Rachel is standing there.]
Tag: Good morning.
Rachel: Hi Tag! Hey, so did you have fun with uh, with Joey last night?
Tag: Oh yeah! We went to the Knicks game.
Rachel: Ohh that’s nice.
Tag: Then we went to this bar and he hooked us up with all these women!
Rachel: Wo-women? You mean like old women?
Tag: Well kinda old, like 30.
Rachel: (Pause) Oh.
Tag: And I never used to be able to just talk to girls in bars, but I got like 20 phone numbers last night.
Rachel: That’s great! Wow man, so Joey must’ve really taught you some stuff huh?
Tag: A little.
Rachel: Yeah?
(A beautiful women walks up.)
Tag: (To her, in the Joey voice) How you doin’?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is teaching Chandler how to smile. Chandler is smiling.]
Joey: See? That’s a great smile! Easy. Natural. Now, pretend I have a camera. (Chandler immediately does The Face.) You’re changing it!
Chandler: I can’t help it!
Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, you wanna know what I do when I take resume shots?
Chandler: Borrow money from me?
Joey: Okay, first—first of all, you want to make it look spontaneous. I look down (Looks down), look down, keep looking down; then I look up. (Looks up and smiles.) See? All right, now you try. Look down (Chandler looks down), you’re looking down, keep looking down…
Chandler: Why is there jelly on your shoe?
Joey: I had a donut. (Chandler nods.)
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Rachel: So uh, heard you had some fun with Tag last night.
Joey: Yeah! That guy’s all right!
Rachel: Yeah and you had fun teaching him how to be all Joey.
Joey: What?
Rachel: Y’know, all the women.
Joey: Hey well, you can’t teach someone to be good with women. Y’know, that’s why I never had any luck with Chandler.
Chandler: (Pause) I’m right here!
Rachel: All right, would-would you mind just not going out with him again? Okay, just the idea of you and he and all these women, it’s just—And I know he’s my assistant and I can’t date him—but it just bothers me, all right?!
Joey: Hey! No-no-no-no, you can’t take him away from me! I got a great partner to pick up girls with! Finally!!
Chandler: I’m still right here!
Rachel: All right, will you, will you at least tell him how hollow and unsatisfying this, dating tons of women thing is!
Joey: (shocked) What?!
Rachel: I just don’t want him to meet anybody until I am over my crush—And I will get over it. It’s-it’s not like I love him, it’s just physical! But—I mean I get crushes like this all the time! I mean hell, I had a crush on you when I first met ya!
Joey: I know, Monica told me.
Chandler: Did you have a crush on me, when you first met me?
Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Joey nods his head questioningly and Rachel nods no.)
Chandler: Can you people not see me?! (He waves his arms around to get their attention.)
Rachel: (To Joey) So, will you talk to him?
Joey: I don’t know Rach.
Rachel: Oh, come on! I’ll give you ten free Ralph Lauren shirts.
Joey: One! (Pause.) No ten! You said ten! You can’t take that back!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there as Tag enters carrying a bag.]
Tag: Hey Joey, you wanted to talk to me?
Joey: I don’t know. You uh, you got something for me?
Tag: Oh, yeah, this is from Rachel.
(He hands Joey the bag and he quickly counts its contents.)
Joey: Ten. Okay. Now Tag there’s such a thing as to many women.
Tag: Really?
Joey: Yeah, for you!
[Scene: The Portrait Studio, Monica is waiting for Chandler to make another attempt at taking a good picture.]
Monica: (seeing him approach) Hey! There you are!
Chandler: There I am!
Monica: Are you okay?
Chandler: Yeah, Joey said I uh, I needed to relax so he gave me an antihistamine.
Monica: What?!
Chandler: Yeah, and then I fell asleep on the subway and went all the way to Brooklyn. Brooklyn is f-far!!
Monica: Chandler, what were you thinking?
Chandler: I don’t know, but don’t worry, don’t worry, because I know how to take a picture now. (They get ready) Okay, see? Look down (Looks down), look down, look down… (He falls asleep.)
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: (awakens) Yeah! (Looks up and does The Face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there.]
Phoebe: Hi.
Ross: Hi.
Phoebe: So, how are things going with crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet?
Ross: Listen, you are hearing one side of the story, okay—and F.Y.I she must’ve shown Kyle over 30 paint samples before she painted that room! And his response to each one was, "I don’t give a tiny rat’s ass."
Phoebe: Yeah well, maybe she should’ve spent a little less time decorating and a little more time in the bedroom.
Ross: Well, I don’t think we are gonna have that problem, but maybe that’s just because I am not emotionally unavailable!
Phoebe: You think he’s emotionally unavailable?
Ross: I think he can be.
Phoebe: Well, maybe he wouldn’t be she didn’t bring the office home every night!
Ross: Well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life!
Phoebe: Yeah well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Year’s Eve 1997.
Ross: (angrily) I knew you were gonna throw that in my face!! That was three years ago! She apologized and she apologized! What more do you want?!!
Phoebe: (gets up and starts to leave) We want the last six years back!!
Ross: So do we!! So do we!! (Ross notices a couple has been staring at them.) I’m sorry you had to see that.
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Tag is entering.]
Tag: Good morning Rachel.
Rachel: Hi! (He hands her, her mail) Thanks, hey so uh what’d you do last night?
Tag: Went out with Joey.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Another night of birdogging the chickas?
Tag: No. We had a really good talk. I don’t think I’m gonna do that bar scene anymore.
Rachel: Wow! I did not see that coming.
Tag: It’s just not really who I am. Y'know, I’ve always been happier when…Why am I telling you this? You don’t care about this stuff.
Rachel: Oh no, yes I do! I do! I mean, come on go on, you were, you were saying I am happier when uh, y’know?
Tag: When I’m in a relationship, I love having a girlfriend.
Rachel: Really?
Tag: Someone I can spoil, y’know?
Rachel: Sp-spoil?
Tag: Uh-huh! Let me ask you something?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Tag: Do you believe that there is one perfect person for everyone?
Rachel: Well, I-I’m startin’ too.
Tag: And if that person is already in your life, you should do something about it right?
Rachel: Yes! Hell yes!
Tag: All right then, it’s settled.
Rachel: Okay.
Tag: I’m gettin’ back together with my ex-girlfriend.
Rachel: I’d love to!
Tag: What?
Rachel: (panics, turns around, picks up the phone, and pretend to talk on it) Hello?! (Listens) Oh, yeah! (To Tag) This is gonna be a while. Excuse me. (Tag leaves and she closes the door behind him, disgustedly.) Yeah!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there again, only now they’re not talking to each other. Phoebe is loudly stirring her coffee.]
Ross: My God!
Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry. Is that annoying? And speaking about being selfish in bed, how’s Whitney?
Ross: Well maybe she wouldn’t have to be selfish in bed if someone else knew where everything was!
Phoebe: Oh he knows! (Quietly) For the most part.
(Kyle and Whitney enter.)
Kyle: Oh hey! Good, you’re both here.
Whitney: We kinda need to talk.
Phoebe: Both of you together?
Ross: Wh-what’s up?
Whitney: Well, I went over to Kyle’s last night to pick up a few things and we got to reminiscing…
Kyle: …we talked through most of the night and we realized that the reason we were so angry at each other was because there are still feelings there. So… (Pause)
Ross: Oh just say it Kyle!
Kyle: We’re gonna give it another try.
Phoebe: What about her whining and her constant need for attention?!
Whitney: I’m gonna work on that.
Phoebe: Oh right, because you’re so capable of change.
Ross: (To Whitney) Y’know, he hums when he pees!
Whitney: I do know.
Ross: It makes him miss the bowl, but whatever.
Whitney: We’re so sorry. (They get up to leave.)
Ross: That’s all right, we-we don’t need you. In fact, hey I’m over it already.
Phoebe: Yeah, and y’know what? I don’t give a tiny rat’s ass.
Kyle: Yeah, we’re gonna go. (They leave.)
Ross: (To Phoebe) I’m sorry. Ugh, Pheebs, you were, you were right about her. Y’know, she did try to use sex as a weapon! Yeah, I hurt my back a little.
Phoebe: Oh. Y’know, he hums while he does other stuff to.
Ross: Yeah, were better off without them.
Phoebe: And y’know, even if they break up again, you’d better not let him in your sad men’s club!
Ross: Divorced men’s club.
Phoebe: Potato, Potaato. (She’s pronounces potato with the both the short and long As.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there as Monica enters with the local paper that has the engagement picture in it.]
Monica: Hey guys check it out! My mom sent me the paper!
Phoebe: Ooh, let’s see it!
Chandler: Ahhh.
Monica: Okay. (She opens it up and shows it to them.)
Chandler: Oh yeah, that looks good.
Phoebe: You guys make a very attractive couple. (The camera cuts to a shot of the picture and we see that Monica is posing with Joey instead of Chandler.)
Joey: Yeah, we look great together.
Monica: Yeah, we really do!
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Wow! Imagine what our kids would look like!
Joey: Y’know, we don’t have to imagine.
Chandler: I’m marrying her.
Joey: We’ll just see.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Friends S07E04: The One With Rachel’s Assistant

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The One With Rachel’s Assistant
Written by: Brian Boyle
Directed by: David Schwimmer
Transcribed by:
Eric Aasen
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there and they are finishing watching the first episode of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey is of course Mac.]
Mac: (on TV) Well, if we learned one thing today C.H.E.E.S.E. is that cheerleaders and high explosives don’t mix. (Cut to Joey laughing while Rachel, Chandler, and Monica aren’t amused.)
C.H.E.E.S.E: You can say that again Mac.
Mac: Well, I couldn’t have done it without you buddy. You’re a genius.
C.H.E.E.S.E: Oh yeah? Well then how come I can’t get my VCR to stop blinking 12:00?
(They both break into a huge laugh and do that stop motion thing they had at the end of ChiPs.)
Joey: (laughing and turning off the TV) So, what did you guys think?
(They all make happy faces as they are unable to express their feelings verbally. Finally, the phone rings and the race to answer it is won by Monica.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Hold on please. Joey, it’s your mom. (Hands him the phone.)
Chandler: It’s your mommy. It’s your mommy.
Ross: Ohhhh…
Rachel: That’s nice.
Joey: (on phone) Mom, so what did you think? (He walks away allowing the gang a chance to figure out what they’re gonna say.)
Rachel: Well that was umm…Okay.
Ross: It wasn’t the best.
Chandler: That was one of the worse things ever. And not just on TV.
Monica: Wh-what are we gonna tell him?
Ross: Well, the lighting was okay.
Rachel: Ohh no you don’t! You got lighting last time, lighting is mine!
Monica: And I have costumes.
Ross: Oh great! That means I’m stuck with, "So, we were watching you in there (Points to the TV) and you were sittin’ right here! Whoa!"
(Phoebe gets up.)
Rachel: What are you gonna do Pheebs?
Phoebe: I don’t know. I don’t know. I can’t lie to him again. Oh no I—no! I’m just gonna press my breasts up against him.
Chandler: And say nothing?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah that’s right.
Joey: (hangs up the phone) Wow! Well, my folks really liked it! So what-what did you guys think? (Phoebe smiles, walks up to him, and presses her breasts against him.) It wasn’t that good.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are reading on the couch.]
Monica: Phoebe, do you think that your favorite animal says much about you?
Phoebe: What? You mean behind my back?
Rachel: (entering, excitedly) Oh! Hi you guys, oh my God! You’ll never gonna believe happened to me today! I am sitting in my office and…
Joey: (entering from bathrooms excitedly) You guys! You guys! You’re not gonna believe what my agent just told me!
Rachel: Joey! Kinda in the middle of a story here!
Joey: Ooh, sorry. Sorry. You finish, go.
Rachel: Okay, so anyway I’m sittin’ in my office and guess who walks in.
Joey: I’m gonna be on two TV shows!

Monica and Phoebe: Oh, that’s great!!
Rachel: Joey!
Joey: Oh, you weren’t finished?
Rachel: Yeah! Guess who walks into my office is the end of my story. (To Monica and Phoebe) It was Ralph Lauren! (Monica and Phoebe gasp) Ralph Lauren walked into my office!
Joey: Uh Rach, if you’re gonna start another story, at least let me finish mine.
Rachel: It’s the same story.
Joey: (groans in disgust) Wow, it’s really long.
Rachel: (ignoring him) Anyway, Ralph just came in to tell me that he’s so happy with my work that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for polo retail.
Monica: Still get a discount on wedding dresses?
Rachel: Yeah!
Monica: I’m so happy for you!
Joey: Well, these really are the days of our lives.
Monica: What?!
Joey: Well, since you ask. They want me back on Days of Our Lives!
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh God!
Rachel: I got—I get a big pay raise!
Phoebe: Oh hey!
Joey: I’ll be playing Drake Remoray’s twin brother, Stryker!
Monica: Oooh!
Rachel: I get to hire my own assistant!

Monica and Phoebe: Ahhh!!
Joey: (jumps up) Well—I got a head rush from standing up to fast right there.
[Scene: Rachel’s New Office, she’s interviewing a potential new assistant, Hilda.]
Rachel: (reading the resume) And you were at this job for four years?
Hilda: That’s right.
Rachel: Okay, well this is all very impressive Hilda, um I just have one last question for you. Uh, how did I do? Was this okay?
Hilda: What?
Rachel: I’ve never interviewed anyone before. I’ve actually never had anyone work for me before. Although when I was a kid, we did have a maid, but this is-this isn’t the same thing.
Hilda: No dear. It’s not.
Rachel: No. Yeah, and I know that. All right, well thank you so much for coming in it was nice to meet you.
Hilda: Thank you! Good meeting you.
Rachel: All right. (Hilda exits) I’m a total pro!
(There’s a knock on the door and a handsome man enters.)
Man: Hello?
Rachel: (seeing him) Wow! H-umm! Hi! Yes, uh I’m sorry the models are actually down the hall.
Man: Actually, I’m here about the assistant job.
Rachel: Really?! (Taking his resume) Okay well then, all right, well just have a seat there. Umm, so what’s—what is—what’s your name?
Man: Tag Jones.
Rachel: Uh-huh, go on.
Tag: That’s it. That’s my whole name.
Rachel: That’s your whole name, okay of course it is! Okay, well let’s-let’s just have a look-see here. (Looking at his resume)
Tag: I know I haven’t worked in an office before, and I really don’t have a lot of experience, but uh…
Rachel: Oh come on, what are you talking about? You’ve got three years painting houses. Two whole summers at T.G.I. Friday’s, come on!
Tag: It’s lame, I know. But I’m a goal-oriented person, very eager to learn…
Rachel: Okay, hold on just a second. (She grabs a camera out of the desk and takes his picture.) I’m sorry, it’s for human resources, everybody has to do it. Could you just stand up please?
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sitting on the couch when some unknown guy comes in and sits in their easy chair.]
Chandler: No-no-no-no. (Waves him away as Monica and Phoebe enter whispering to each other.) Hey! (Monica shushes him.)
Phoebe: (To Monica) Anyway, I should go. Okay, bye.
Monica: (To Chandler) Hey sweetie.
Chandler: Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering?
Monica: I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.
Chandler: Secret? Married people aren’t supposed to have secrets between one another. We have too much love and respect for one another.
Monica: Awww. (Kisses him.) But still no.
Chandler: No I’m serious, we should tell each other everything. I do not have any secrets from you.
Monica: Really? Okay, so why don’t you tell me what happened to Ross Junior year at Disneyland?
Chandler: Oh no-no, I can’t do that.
Monica: If you tell me, I’ll tell you what Phoebe said.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Okay.
Chandler: So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, we’re on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy.
Monica: Oh my God. He threw up?
Chandler: No, he visited a little town south of throw up. (Monica laughs hysterically.) So what was Phoebe’s secret?
Monica: Oh, Nancy Thompson from Phoebe’s old massage place is getting fired.
Chandler: That’s it?! I gave up my Disneyland story for that?
Monica: That’s right! You lose sucker!! (Pause) Please still marry me.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
Rachel: Chandler, you have an assistant right?
Chandler: (angrily) Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick!
Rachel: No, I-I just don’t know how you decide who to hire. I mean I’ve got it narrowed down to two people. One of them has great referen

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Friends S07E03: The One With Phoebe’s Cookies

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The One With Phoebe’s Cookies
Written by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer
Transcribed by:
Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Ross, and Monica are all there as Chandler enters wearing glasses.]
Chandler: Hey, you guys!

Ross and Rachel: Hey!
Chandler: So, what do you think?
Ross: About what?
Rachel: Yeah, what?
Joey: What?
Chandler: Are you kidding? Okay, I’ll give you a hint; I’ll give you a hint. (Points to his glasses.)
Joey: Eyes! No, no. Your eyes! No. Chandler’s eyes!
Chandler: I got glasses!
Ross: Well, you-you’ve always had glasses.
Chandler: No I didn’t!
Ross: Are you sure?
Rachel: Yeah-yeah, did-didn’t you use to have a pair? They were really round, burgundy, and they made you look kind of umm…
Joey: Feminine.
Rachel: Yes!
Chandler: No!
Monica: Sweetie, I think the glasses look great. They make you look really sexy.
Chandler: Really?
Monica: Yeah!
Chandler: (sitting down on the arm of her chair) You didn’t think I used to wear glasses, right?
Monica: Of course! (She mouths, "I have no idea," to the rest of the gang.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are making some sandwiches.]
Phoebe: So what do you guys want for an engagement present?
Chandler: That’s okay Pheebs, we’re not having a party or anything, so you don’t have to get us…
Monica: (interrupts him) If someone wants to give us a present, we don’t want to deprive them of that joy.
Rachel: Oh, y’know what you should get ‘em? One of those little uh, portable CD players.
Monica: Oh, I already have one.
Phoebe: Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist.
Rachel: Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey.
Monica: Hey, I know I what I want!
Chandler: What we want honey.
Monica: No, you don’t want this. I want to have your grandmother’s cookie recipe.
Phoebe: You mean the chocolate chip cookie recipe?
Monica: Uh-huh, yeah.
Phoebe: You mean the one that my grandmother made me swear on her deathbed that I would never let out of our family?
Chandler: Dying people say the craziest things.
Monica: I wanted it for years! I was gonna make cookies for my children.
Phoebe: Break my heart—Oh, all right.
Monica: Okay. I’m gonna be the mom that makes the world’s best chocolate chip cookies.
Chandler: Our kids are gonna be fat aren’t they.
Joey: (entering) Ahoy!
Chandler: Hey! How’s the boat?!
Joey: Great! I’m finally getting into this sailing stuff.
Monica: Oh, so you finally took it out of the marina huh?
Joey: Why would I do that? It took three guys to get the thing in there!
Phoebe: If you don’t sail your boat, what do you do on it?
Joey: Oh, it’s great! It’s a great place to just kinda, sit, hang around, drink a few beers, eat some chips. (He says that as he sits, hangs around, drinks a beer, and eats a chip.)
Chandler: Well, it’s good that you finally have a place to do that.
Rachel: Y’know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want.
Joey: You could?
Rachel: Yeah! I’ve been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat.
Phoebe: Your own boat?
Rachel: What?! What?! He was trying to cheer me up! My pony was sick.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there. He takes off his glasses and starts chewing on the ear piece.]
Chandler: Do you know what I was thinkin’?
Monica: What?
Chandler: Nothing, I just like to go like this. (Does it again.)
Ross: (entering from the bathrooms) Hey Chandler, what are you doing tonight?
Chandler: Uh why, do you have a lecture?
Ross: No, why?
Chandler: Then free as a bird. What’s up?
Ross: My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us.
Monica: Wow! That’s great! Dad must really like you, he doesn’t ask just anyone to play.
Ross: Yeah and he didn’t really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.
Chandler: Well, did-did you correct him?
Ross: No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.
Monica: This is so cool, maybe this is something you can do every week.
Ross: Or you can sit with him on the front porch and make sure no one steals the trash cans. He does that every week too.
Monica: Oh, just so you know, you-you have to let him win.
Ross: Yeah.
Monica: He hates to lose.
Chandler: Oh no problem, maybe I’ll play with my left hand.
Ross: You’re not a lefty?
Chandler: Does anybody know me?!
(Phoebe enters, walks up to Monica, and exhales exasperatedly.)
Monica: What’s wrong Phoebe?
Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get you the-the cookie recipe and the stupid fire burned it up!
Monica: No!! Why didn’t you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards from the original?!!
Phoebe: (pauses as he figures out how to answer that) Because I’m normal! That was the one legacy my grandmother left me, and I know you wanted it as an engagement present.
Ross: Oh, we have to get you an engagement present?
Chandler: Don’t worry about it Pheebs.
Ross: No one got me an engagement present.
Phoebe: Okay, here I wish you health and happiness. (She hands Monica a cookie in a plastic baggie.)
Chandler: An old cookie?
Monica: (To Chandler) This is what happens when you don’t register for gifts!
Phoebe: See no-no, I made a batch and I froze it, and this is the only one left.
Chandler: We can’t accept this.
Phoebe: Why not?
Chandler: ‘Cause it’s gross.
Monica: No! Wait! I think I can figure out the recipe from this cookie! I do stuff like this at work all the time.
Phoebe: Really?!
Monica: Yeah! I bet I can do it.
(Chandler looks over and sees Ross glaring at them.)
Chandler: Okay, we owe you a present.
Ross: Two! I’ve been engaged twice!
[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont (Joey’s boat), she’s shown to be in one of the waterways around New York, but in reality she’s in a sound stage on the Warner Bros. lot and we see New York from the water in some rather poor green screen shots. Rachel and Joey are on board.]
Joey: (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just because he’s got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way jackass! (To Rachel) Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast’s all the way over there. (Points to the coast, meanwhile there is coast behind him.)
Rachel: Joey, just ignore the boats all right? We’re not finished with the lesson yet.
Joey: All right.
Rachel: Okay, I’m just gonna go over the basic points just one more time, are you ready?
Joey: Come on Rach, not again. I got it! Okay? Let’s start sailing, and I want to go over there (Points) where that boatload of girls is! (Yelling to them) Yo-ho-ho!
Rachel: Oh, okay. Is that what you want to do? You wanna go over and give a little shout out to the old, hot chickas? Okay, let’s do that Sailor Joe. Quick question though, (grabs some of the rigging) what’s this called?
Joey: Uh, boat rope.
Rachel: Wrong! How do you get the mainsail up?
Joey: Uhh, rub it?
Rachel: No. What do you do if I say we are coming about?
Joey: I’d say, come again. No-no, wait I-I-I know this one, I know this one, uh…
(Rachel blasts an air horn in his ear.)
Rachel: Time’s up, now your dead.
Joey: And deaf!
Rachel: Okay, you just go on and make your little jokey-jokes, but if you do not know what you are doing out at sea you will die at sea. Am I getting through to you sailor?! (She punctuates each word by slapping him on the forehead.)
Joey: Yes.
Rachel: Don’t just say yes! This isn’t a game, Joey you can really get hurt out here. Okay, so do you want to pay attention or do you want to die?!
Joey: I want to make a ship to shore call to Chandler.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are trying to determine the cookie recipe by eating small pieces.]
Monica: All right, I definitely taste nutmeg.
Phoebe: You do?
Monica: You don’t? (Laughs) Well, that’s the difference between a professional and a layman.
Phoebe: That and arrogance.
Joey: (entering) Hey.
Monica: Hey! How was sailing?
Joey: I don’t want to talk about it. Y’know, you could’ve at least saved me a whole cookie. (He grabs what’s left of the cookie and pops in his mouth.)

Monica and Phoebe: No-wait-no-no!!!!!!!
Joey: (recoils in horror) Women are mean!!! (Storms out.)
Phoebe: I can’t believe that! Now the only thing left of my grandmother’s legacy is this crumb. (She picks it up with her finger and holds it out to Monica.) I wish you a long and happy marriage.
Ross: (entering with Chandler) Hey.
Monica: Hey! How was it?
Ross: Well I had a great time! Umm, Chancy on the other hand…
Chandler: I will tell the story! It was going great. I let him win. We were bonding. He even said I could call him dad.
Ross: And what did he ask you not to call him?
Chandler: Daddy. All right look, here’s the story. (Flashback to Chandler about to enter the steam room as he does the voice-over.) Well, we had just finished playing racquetball and we were gonna take a steam. I walk into the steam room and it was really steamy. (The flashback shows his glasses fog up and him trying to find his way around the steam filled room. He takes off his glasses.) So I take off my glasses and that’s when in happened.
[Cut to the flashback, Chandler’s no longer doing the voice-over.]
Chandler: Guys?
Ross: Over here. (You can see Ross sitting at the far wall.)
Mr. Geller: Have a seat son. (You can see Mr. Geller sitting closer to the door as Chandler walks over and sits in his lap.) Hey!! (Chandler quickly jumps off and sits next to him with a shocked expression on his face.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is finished telling everyone what happened.]
Monica: Oh my God Chandler! I can’t believe it!
Chandler: I know.
Monica: You gave my father a lap dance!
Chandler: Why do they put so much steam in there?!
Ross: ‘Cause otherwise they’d have to call it the room room.
Chandler: Why? Okay? Why? Wh-wh-why did that have to happen?
Phoebe: Come on, it’s not that big a deal!
Chandler: Not that big a deal? There…there was touching of things.
Ross: Now, I know you wanted to bond with my dad, but did you really have to bond to that part?
Monica: Listen, I’m sure that dad doesn’t care. He probably thought this was funny; he’ll be telling this story for years!
Chandler: I don’t want him to tell this story for years.
Ross: Oh, but he will. He still tells the story how Monica tried to escape from fat camp.
Monica: I wasn’t escaping.
Ross: Then how did you get caught in the barbed wire?
Monica: I was trying to help out a squirrel.
Ross: You were trying to eat it!
(The phone rings.)
Chandler: If that is your father calling to tell this story then the marriage is off!
Monica: (takes the phone from Ross) Come on. (Answering phone) Hello? (Listens) I’m sorry you have the wrong number. (Listens) (Whispering) Okay, I’ll call you later dad. I love you. (Hangs up.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are there.]
Chandler: (getting up) All right, I’m off to see your dad.
Ross: Whoa-whoa, aren’t you a little over dressed?
Rachel: (laughing) Yeah, and-and you better make sure he tips you this time.
Chandler: Look, I figured I would try to convince him not to tell the story anymore, and I figure the best way to do that is face to face—And by face I don’t mean his lap. And by face, I don’t mean my ass. (Exits.)
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey are you getting Monica and Chandler an engagement present?
Rachel: I don’t know. Y’know, they didn’t get us anything.
Ross: Thank you!
Joey: (entering) Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Well hello! So, when are we gettin’ back out on the water matey?
Joey: Oh uh, I don’t know the boat way to say this, but uh never!
Rachel: Why not?
Joey: Because! You’re mean on the boat!
Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you.
Joey: Well, lesson learned! Rachel is mean!
Ross: Yeeeeeep… Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took out on her dad’s boat she wouldn’t let me help at all.
Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn’t move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets.
Ross: You have to respect the sea! (Storms off.)
Rachel: Look Joey, I’m sorry if-if you thought that was mean, but I gotta tell ya something. That was not mean. Okay, my father is mean. He used to yell at me all the time on the boat, I mean it was horrible. I was just being a good teacher.
Joey: Does a good teacher say, "Put down the beer pinhead!?"
Rachel: Well, does a good student drink seven beers during his first lesson?
Joey: Six and a half! You knocked that last one out of my hand! Remember?
Rachel: Yeah, I didn’t want you to get hit by the boom!
Joey: Well it hit me anyway! And it would’ve hurt a lot less if I had finished that last beer.
Rachel: All right, y’know what? I-I’m sorry. I will try to tone it down and uh stop yelling.
Joey: You won’t boss me around anymore?
Rachel: I won’t boss you around.
Joey: And you’ll be nice?
Rachel: And, I’ll be nice.
Joey: And you’ll be topless?
Rachel: And—Joey!
Joey: Do you want me to learn?!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is trying out different cookie recipes. Ross and Phoebe are the tasting group.]
Monica: Okay, here’s batch 22. Ohh, maybe these’ll taste a little like your grandmother’s. This has a little bit of orange peel, but no nutmeg.
Ross: Let’s give it a shot.
Monica: Okay. Man, I have not made this many cookies since I was in the ninth grade.
Phoebe: Oh, what was that for? Like a bake sale?
Monica: No, just a Friday night.
(They all take a bite.)
Ross: Ohh, these are pretty good.
Phoebe: Yeah, but not as good as batch 17.
Ross: Which one was that?
Monica: The ones we had right after you almost threw up.
Ross: Oh yeah! Batch 17 was good. I did not like batch 16. (Burps a little bit.) I’m okay.
Phoebe: Are there anymore from the good batch? ‘Cause we could just work off of those.
Ross: Yeah, ooh yeah, I think there is one from batch 17 left, uh… (Grabs a cookie and takes a big bite out of it and doesn’t like it.) It’s batch 16! 16 people! Get out of the way! (Gets up and runs for the bathroom.)
[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, its Joey’s second lesson with Rachel as the resident sailing expert.]
Rachel: Okay Joey honey, you’re doing really good! All right, now I’m just gonna need you to step to the port side. (Joey pauses as he tries to remember which side is the port side.) Remember? Remember how we talked about the port side?
Joey: Ohh yeah.
Rachel: Right?
Joey: Nope.
Rachel: It’s left sweetie, but that’s okay sweetie, that’s a tough one.
Joey: I don’t know why you just don’t say left.
Rachel: Okay, go to the left. (Joey goes starboard or sits on the right side of the boat.) The left!
Joey: Huh?
Rachel: (yelling) Just sit over there!! (Points to the port side.)
Joey: (hurrying over) Okay! Okay, you’re yelling again! See that?
Rachel: No! No-no, no-no-no, very quiet, said with love, no yelling.
Joey: Oh, y’know what? Since I’m here, I think I’m gonna have me a little beer on the port side. (Grabs and opens one.)
Rachel: Okay Joey, we’re luffing a little bit, so could you tighten up the cunningham? (The mainsail has started to flap in the wind and has stopped working efficiently; she wants him to tighten it so that it starts working again.)
Joey: Uh, wow, you just said a bunch of stuff I didn’t know there.
Rachel: Joey, come on! We just went over this! (She does it instead.)
Joey: Oh, y’know, when we did that was when that bird was flying overhead with the fish in his mouth. Did you see it? It was gross!
Rachel: (angrily) No! All right?! I did not see the bird! I did not see the fish! I did not see the piece of Styrofoam that was shaped like Mike Tyson! I did not, because I was trying to teach you how to sail a boat! Which obviously is an impossible thing to do!
Joey: All right that’s it! You’re yelling and I don’t see you taking your top off! I quit!
Rachel: What do you mean you quit?! You can’t quit!
Joey: Why not?!
Rachel: Because you’re not finished yet and I won’t have it! Greens do not quit!
Joey: Greens? I’m a Tribbiani! And Tribbianis quit!
Rachel: Oh my God, wait did I—I just said Greens don’t quit didn’t I? (Pause) (Angrily) Did I just say Greens don’t quit?!
Joey: Yes! Yes! You did and you’re still yelling at me!
Rachel: No! No! No! I’m not yelling at you, I’m just yelling near you. Oh God Joey, ohh I’m my father. Oh my God, this is horrible! I’ve been trying so hard not to be my mother I did not see this comin’. Oh, Joey, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I just wanted you to learn.
Joey: Well, hey I did learn.
Rachel: Really?
Joey: Yeah! Come on.
Rachel: Awww…
Joey: Yeah, it’s okay. I know what a mainsail is. (Points to it. It’s the larger sail.) I know, I know to duck when the boom comes across. I-I know port is right.
Rachel: Left.
Joey: Damnit!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the cookie trying period has pasted. Monica, Phoebe, and Ross are reflecting on the day’s events.]
Phoebe: Y’know, I bet it would actually make my grandmother very happy to know that we’re trying to figure out her recipe. I bet she’s l-l-lookin’ up at us and smiling right now.
Ross: Looking up?
Phoebe: Oh yeah—No, she was really nice to me, but she’s in hell for sure.
Monica: Well, I’ve tried everything. I give up. I guess I’m not gonna be the mom who makes the world’s best chocolate cookies. I do make the best duck confit with broccoli rabe.  Kids love that right.
Ross: Aww, Pheeb, come on isn’t there any relative that would have the recipe? What about, what about your sister?
Phoebe: Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula would be over my dead body. And that’s not happening ‘til October 15th, 2032.
Ross: That’s the day you’re gonna die? See—darnit, I’ve got shuffleboard that day.
Phoebe: That’s what you think.
Monica: Well, I mean what about friends of your grandmother’s? Wouldn’t they have the recipe?
Phoebe: Well, y’know I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, Nesele Tolouse.
Monica: What was her name?
Phoebe: Nesele Toulouse.
Monica: Nestle Tollhouse?!
Phoebe: Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language.
Monica: (grabbing a bag of Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chips) Phoebe, is this the recipe? (Tosses her the bag.)
Phoebe: (reading the recipe on the back of the bag) Yes!! (Realizes.) Ohh.
Monica: I cannot believe that I just spent the last two days trying to figure out the recipe and it was in my cupboard the whole time!
Phoebe: I know! You see it is stuff like this which is why (Looking down) you’re burning in hell!!
[Scene: The Gym, Chandler and Mr. Geller are heading for the whirlpool room.]
Chandler: So you understand, I’d feel a lot more comfortable if you didn’t tell people what happened. Y’know, I’m a little…I’m a little embarrassed about it.
Mr. Geller: I understand completely, there’s nothing more horrifying than embarrassing yourself in front of your in-laws. As a matter of fact, when I started dating Judy I was unemployed, and her father asked me what I did for a living and I told him I was a lawyer.
Chandler: What did you do when they found out?
Mr. Geller: They never did, so if ever see me giving them legal advice just nod along. Shall we?
(Chandler nods along and they enter the whirlpool room and remove their robes. Only Chandler is lacking a certain item of clothing. You see this is a coed whirlpool, which means swimsuits, and in fact there are two women already there and Chandler didn’t seem to wear his. Needless to say, everyone is shocked, including Chandler.)
Chandler: So I guess we wear swimsuits in here!
Ending Credits
[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, is tied up alongside the pier; Joey and Rachel are relaxing.]
Rachel: Well Joey, I hate to admit it, your way of sailing is a lot more fun.
Joey: Yeah, yeah. Hey, why don’t you give a pull on that rope? (Points.)
Rachel: Ohh we’re not sailing.
Joey: Just pull on it.
Rachel: All right. (She does so and it brings the cooler closer together.) Hey-hey-hey!! (Sees what’s in the cooler.) Sandwiches!
Joey: What else?
Rachel: (hands him one) Here you go.
Joey: Thank you.
Rachel: Oh wow! (She takes a bite, but holds the sandwich vertically so that the stuff falls out.)
Joey: What are you doing?
Rachel: Ohh, sorry.
Joey: What you—don’t hold it like that! You’re lettin’ all the good stuff fall out.
(More falls out.)
Rachel: Ohh whoops.
Joey: Careful! You’re wasting good pastrami! (Gasps.) Oh my God! I’m my dad!